Pictures of You
by commandmetobewell
Summary: "Mum used to say that when people go through hell, you can tell that they've lost a part of themselves through their eyes; they become almost empty, even though they're still there."


**A/N:** Based off the song, "Pictures of You" by The Last Goodnight.

Tegan snaps another picture and stares at the product. She grumbles, deleting it again for the fiftieth time that day. She can't seem to get the eyes right. With her labret stud out, she looks identical to her twin, but there's still something off. Tegan chooses not to look at the camera this time, and angles her Blackberry to snap another shot. She stares at the next picture and sighs, deciding to keep that one out of sheer exhaustion.

Walking out of her small bathroom, she sits atop her crinkled sheets. She stares at the photo in her hands and sighs again, deep and heavy. Tegan glances up at all the packed boxes labeled "Lindsey" in bold print, all capitals. Something in her stomach churns as she looks down at her phone. Shaking her head, she opens up her contacts and heads down to the one person she wants to (and at the same time doesn't want to) talk to. Sara's goofy face lights up her phone as she presses the small mobile to her ear. She listens to the ring until finally, a sleepy voice picks up.

"How many fucking times have I told you about time difference? It's fucking three in the morning," Sara huffs out in frustration. Tegan's heartstrings snap like an overused guitar as she bites back tears.

"I… I'm trying." The words are feeble and weak, and Sara can hear the deep pain and angst each syllable carries. Sighing, the younger twin sits up in her bed, staring at her sleeping girlfriend. "Well, now that I'm up, what's going on, Tee?"

"I'm gonna send you something," Tegan whispers, pulling the phone away from her ear and clicks on the photo of her self, sending it to Sara. The younger twin pulls the phone from her ear to glance at the new message. She opens the tab and sees Tegan's face.

Her sister looks tired beyond means. Deep black and blue bags hang under her eyes and even though she's not looking at the camera, Sara knows she's exhausted. Her collarbones pop out from under her shirt, emphasizing the amount of weight her sister has managed to lose.

"Every time I look at the camera, I can't stand it," Tegan says in a distant voice, laying down on her bed. Sara stays silent as she listens to her sister continue. "I don't get it, we're meant to be identical."

"Yeah, well I don't have a bent ear." Tegan scoffs at Sara's comment.

"At least I don't have asthma," she retorts. Sara chuckles at the small joke, dipping her head. She absently runs the smooth palms of her hands over Stacy's back, her skin resisting the wrinkles in her shirt.

"You know what mum used to tell me?" Tegan asks, looking at the photo again, her eyes squinting at her saddened face. She looks almost sickly.

"Mmm," Sara hums, rubbing her eyes as fatigue starts to wash over her body. Tegan crosses her legs and stares at her bony ankles.

"Mum used to say that when people go through hell, you can tell that they've lost a part of themselves through their eyes; they become almost empty, even though they're still there," Tegan murmurs, gazing at the previous photos. Sara stiffens at the words, blinking open her eyes fully now. She bites her bottom lip hard enough to draw blood.

"I can't even look at my eyes, Sara," Tegan whispers in a cracked voice, "because all I see is everything that I have lost." Sara stays silent, because she knows that this partially, if not all, her fault.

"Tegan…," she trails off, unable to find words. Tegan shakes her head, feeling anger wash over her. She reaches for the bottle of Jack at her bedside and uncaps the bottle, tipping it back in her mouth. She downs a few sips before shaking her head, the bitter alcohol burning her throat.

"It's fucked up," Tegan says, laughing drunkenly, "that I now hate the only part I love about myself. So, because we're identical, I guess hate you, too." Sara removes her hand from Stacy's back and places it in her lap. She still can't seem to respond to Tegan and instead she focuses on the gentle drunken breathing coming from the other end of the phone.

"Still nothing, eh Sare?" Tegan asks with a slight rasp. Sara rubs her forehead as she blinks back tears.

"What do you want me to say, Tegan? That I love you? That I choose you? We both know we can't do this, Tee. We tried, but it's not gonna work. Not in this lifetime, at least," Sara grumbles in a low voice, staring at Stacy's sleeping body. Tegan feels like she has been shot in the chest.

"Just say something, Sara," Tegan pleads desperately, tears now rolling down her face, "anything."

"Tegan, I'm sorry," Sara whispers, hot tears now burning her own eyes. She looks back down at the photo of her twin and feels something in her soul crack into two jagged pieces. Tegan grunts, shaking her head.

"Thanks Sara, and as much as I appreciate it," she growls as she downs more of the potent alcohol, "I can't do shit with 'I'm sorry'."

Sara hangs her head in shame. Her chest collapses on itself, her asthmatic lungs working overtime to try and provide some sort of release or absolution from her heartache. She is hurting too, and as much as she wants to be selfish in saying that she hurts more than Tegan, she knows better than to lie to herself.

"I do miss you, Tee," Sara says painfully. Tegan grips her sheets tightly with one hand and blinks back tears. "Fuck you, Sara."

"Is that why you called me, Tegan?! To tell me I'm a fuck up?" Sara demands in a strained hiss. "News flash, Tegan, I already know. Calling me at the three in the fucking morning isn't gonna change that." Tegan stays silent this time, listening as Sara quietly tries to hide her sobbing.

"No," Tegan says at last, "that's not why I called you."

Sara wipes the tears away with the back of her hand as she sniffles. Her fingers are trembling, and she desperately wishes that Stacy was awake. She wants to curl up in her arms and forget about Tegan, but she knows that even at her finest moment, her girlfriend would never be able to satisfy her as much as her twin.

"What's wrong?" Sara asks in a breathy voice. Tegan sighs as she puts the liquor back, her head beginning to spin. She stares at the boxes again and places her free hand over the thin material of her shirt, clawing at her heart. She draws a sharp breath and bows her head.

"She's coming over tomorrow… well, I guess today actually," Tegan says in a strangled voice, staring at the clock. Sara leans her back against the uncomfortable metal frame that Stacy insisted on buying. She closes her eyes, feeling drowsy again from the tears shed. Her head is aching as she wipes away the straggling salted drops from her cheeks.

"You should probably sleep, then," she mumbles tiredly. Tegan clenches her jaw and feels tears sting at her eyes. "I can't," she replies.

"Tegan, you have to try," Sara says in desperation. Her tone is pleading, as if she were the one experiencing the pain. Tegan looks back at the boxes, chuckling sadly as she runs her hand through her greasy hair.

"I couldn't do the whole commitment thing with her," Tegan murmurs distantly. She stares at the bolded letters, feeling empty inside. "She wanted a family, kids, the whole wedding thing." Sara listens as Tegan clears her throat, presumably to stop herself from choking up again.

"Ironic isn't it?" Tegan says, her lips curling into a faint, broken smile. "I was technically in a relationship with her for nine, almost ten years, and yet, when it came down to actually taking things seriously, I got scared." Sara closes her eyes, feeling her heart beat heavily to each of Tegan's words. She places her hand over her own heart, wondering for a moment if it is beating at the same tempo as her twin's.

"I'm not like you, Sara," Tegan whispers, her voice beginning to shake. Tegan glances over at the double ring Lindsey had bought for her. "I can't even take a fucking piss in the dark without someone holding my hand." Sara bites her lip again, not caring that it hurts. She wants to feel the pain. Tegan's hands tightly grip her forehead as tears fall like rain from her eyes. For a moment, she wonders if that's how she got her middle name. She always was a crier.

"I'm the fuck up, Sara," Tegan says in a flat tone, "not you."

"Tegan-"

"No," Tegan interrupts, "you've got your head on straight, Sara. You have a girlfriend that you're in love with, a good job, nice friends, and a decent family. You're not the one who's still living out of a suitcase because opening a fucking closet causes her to have a panic attack."

Sara looks over at Stacy again, who has now shifted in her sleep, her head pushed deep within her pillow. That's how Tegan sleeps, and it breaks Sara's heart. She knows Tegan needs her, yet she cannot go to her side, even though in her own heart, all she wants is Tegan. Sara licks her lips and runs lines up and down her thighs, knowing how much Tegan loved to do that in the mornings after a night spent making love. It was the best sensation to wake up to, but now, she wakes up to an empty bed, and an empty heart.

"You're doing well, baby sis," Tegan chuckles sadly, "mum was right about not having to worry about you." Sara closes her eyes and nods, her throat dry and her heart thumping loudly in her chest as she curls into herself. Her body feels weak as she listens to Tegan sigh.

"I'm sorry I woke you," Tegan mumbles in exhaustion, "I'll try to remember the time difference next time." Sara releases a breath she never knew she had been holding as she grips the phone tighter.

"Don't apologize, Tee," Sara says gently, "I don't care what time it is, as long as I still get to listen to you talk; that's all that matters. I miss the sound of your voice." Tegan lets a small, half-lipped smile play at her lips as she cups a hand over her mouth, preventing the sob from breaking from the confines of her mouth.

"I… I missed your voice too, Sare," she chokes out. Sara closes her eyes, every single shard of her being shattering. She is frustrated, sad, angry, happy, all these different emotions all melded into one fiery mess.

"Look," Tegan sighs, taking her hand off her mouth, "I'm gonna let you go. I should probably be awake when she comes over, for the last time." Sara doesn't know how to take the second last phrase, as in her mind, it means something than its original purpose. As tired as she is, she doesn't want Tegan to let her go, ever.

"I'm…," Tegan says, clearing her throat to stop another wave of tears, "I'm gonna send you one last thing, okay?" Sara nods. "Yeah, Tee." Tegan smiles with a broken heart as she pulls up her phone. She unlocks the private albums and selects the only picture, sending it to Sara.

"Goodnight, Sare," Tegan whispers. Sara hears the ding, but she can't open it. She's not ready yet. She grips the phone tighter and closes her eyes, simply listening to Tegan's breathing.

"Goodnight, Tee." There is a small moment of silence before the tone cuts out. Sara removes the phone from her ears and wipes the falling tears. She glances at her messages and sees Tegan's notification. Instantly, she clicks on the tab and opens the message. Her jaw drops and tears well in her eyes once more.

The photo was one of their first selfies, back in the So Jealous era. They were both naked in bed. Sara remembers the night clearly; they had played their first sold out show, and then afterwords, to celebrate, they got plastered drunk. Sara remembers doing a tequila shot on Tegan's stomach as a dare from a drunken Rob. One thing led to another and soon they were back in the privacy of their own room, slamming each other against walls and against counters in a battle of passionate dominance. They had fucked on every piece of furniture in that room.

The picture Tegan had sent was of the morning after, when they were still slightly hungover, but still equally buzzed from their alcohol high. Tegan had insisted on taking one couple-like shot, just to see what it would look like should they have had the chance to truly be together. Sara's hands were pressed flat against Tegan's defined collarbones, and Tegan's free arm was looped like a snake around Sara's shoulders. Their lips were pressed together like perfect puzzle pieces and their eyes were closed.

Sara gazes at the picture nostalgically. Her fingers run over the glowing screen, grazing her twin's face. She misses her so much, but at the same time, she knows they have to be apart. With their fame now, their near possible relationship is now impossible if they want to stay away from becoming celebrity cock ups. Sara looks back at Stacy, before her phone buzzes again. She glances down and smiles bittersweetly at Tegan's text.

 _PS - I could never hate you._


End file.
